Steinbeck, the Present, and Not Gatekeeping My Healing Cocktail

I love when my therapist reminds me, “You are the one responsible for your goal. I am the trail guide who nudges you when you stray.” Each session begins with the same question: What is your goal today?

For me, this is invaluable. Naming my goal reclaims my agency, and reclaiming my agency is how I align with my highest self. It is how I stop leaking energy in a hundred directions and begin to channel it toward what matters.

My current goal? To be okay belonging exactly where I am. I do not want more. I do not want elsewhere. Little by little, I am shedding the compulsion to long for anything other than this moment. Strangely enough, this feels like liberation.

To voice such a goal aloud, to let someone hold me accountable to it, has already changed me. It is actively changing me still.

The work, now, is to love myself without needing to close the endless gap between who I am and who I think I should be. That tension—what Buddhists call craving—was my constant companion. Through meditation, healing, and connection, I am slowly relieving myself of it. I am learning how to stop and smell the flowers without demanding they bloom faster.

People arrive in my life like bright comets, carrying their own unique ways of showing love. Many are on healing journeys of their own, and I never would have guessed it until our paths crossed. To them I say, thank you for finding your way here.

Every morning and night I light this small corner of my home as ritual. May we all keep finding one another, no matter what pockets of the world we find ourselves next year.

At best, I hope my words remind you to keep going with whatever struggles you face as the hero of your own journey. At worst, I hope they serve as a small portal into another inner world. We so rarely see the invisible battles of the people we pass each day.

Wherever I go, I like to leave this reminder behind, scratched into notebooks or bathroom stalls, to challenge people to be compassionate:

“I wonder how many people I’ve looked at all my life and never seen.” —John Steinbeck

My Full Healing Cocktail

(Note: this is simply my experience. I am not a clinician, and none of this is advice. Healing is profoundly personal, often costly, and never one-size-fits-all. If you’re curious, I am always open to questions.)

Medication/Psychiatrist: I see a doctor who monitors both vitals and prescriptions. I take an SSRI, and occasionally Adderall for work or study. If I notice myself pushing too hard, I cut it immediately. It can be addictive—if you’re not prescribed, do not self-medicate.

Therapy: CBT and DBT were not effective for me. What did work: NARM (NeuroAffective Relational Model). EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) helped resolve nightmares. IFS (Internal Family Systems) and hypnosis have also been powerful tools.

Psychedelics: Ketamine and psilocybin. Both reset my nervous system in ways nothing else could. They have been profound for trauma and creativity.

Exercise: Gentle movement, often reluctantly but necessarily embraced. I love pilates. No, it’s not always gentle, but it can be, with intention.

Somatic/Spiritual Therapy: Expensive, not my first line of defense, but valuable for integration. It has also connected me with fascinating groups of seekers along the way.

Sobriety: Aside from psychedelics, I am sober. Alcohol was once my social lubricant. Initially I quit out of principle—how could I ask my father not to drink while I continued? Now I remain sober because my life is simply better without it. Weed is not for me, though some trauma survivors find it grounding.

Writing: Above all, writing. I began posting raw thoughts on Instagram, but enough people nudged me toward Substack, which is a far better forum. Writing publicly is not for everyone. For me, it is a laboratory where I experiment, bleed a little, and see what resonates. Shame, cPTSD, and the general ignorance surrounding both pushed me to throw words at the wall until something stuck.

The moral of the story is simple: try everything you can. Push the boundaries of consciousness. Dig where it hurts. Drag your shadows into the light. Integrate each piece of yourself. And take, if nothing else, the first small step toward freedom. To be free, is the greatest act of self-love you can take.